An empty feeling
Today started off normal. Class, work, class and them sleep is my usual daily routine and today was no different. I had a great lunch with a friend and soon, now that i’m out of my last class for the day, my girl friend will be coming over in a few hours right before i must go to bed and repeat the cycle. An ordinary day with a few challenges in class and no real personal problems should set up the night for relaxing, going out, or at least a good feeling of accomplishment, but tonight I feel empty.
The feeling is like a rock in my stomach or an ache in my heart. I’m not sure why the inexplicable sense of depression or melancholy. I believe i think to much of the future and what i am to become. I worry that I’ll never graduate, even though I’m almost finished, and if I do graduate, i won’t be able to find a job that doesn’t pay minimum. I worry about my relationship with my girlfriend. She thinks about the future as well, but she mainly thinks about marriage or children. We don’t always see things the same, and here is a prime example. For now I’ll leave it as that.
These worries do not consume me. I’m usually happy and confident in what I do and say, but today I lament for no reason. Maybe it is all chemical and not situational. Missing endorphins or late of chemical/mineral/vitamin whatever leading me into a spiral of sadness. Being unbalanced and moody is a foreign concept to me, and this is especially apparent when dealing with friends. I have a few friends with supposed depression, bi-polar, and manic but i really haven’t experienced any of that myself. Maybe this is what its like.
I think I want to sleep or get high. Forget what I’m not remembering. Lose my myself before i realize what I’m not.
